I had some fear yesterday

Yesterday afternoon was a different type of day for me.

I had a few tremors in my hands. But then my neck began to tremble to the point if felt like it as moving back and forth. I’ve experienced this before when under great stress, but yesterday it was different. I didn’t feel unusually stressed.

Actually I was looking forward to going outside to shovel snow in the front and back of the house. As I was walking out the door, my legs began to tremble. I had some difficulty turning around. It seems as though my body wouldn’t move. The spirit was willing but the flesh was weak. Then my legs began to tremble so severely that I began to bounce up and down while walking out the door.

Chad offered to shovel for me but he had a cold and a sore shoulder. I told him to stay in the house. I thought maybe the shoveling would help to reduce the ‘nervous’ tremulousness I felt both inside and outside. I was shoveling and actually I began to tear up.

A sense of reality hit me that perhaps I was getting worse. “Maybe the books are right. Maybe I do only have 3-7 years before this disease takes me over completely.”

But I remained optimistic by telling myself that it was a temporary Jeckyll and Hyde phenomena of Lewy Body Dementia.

Of course, I had to pretend that nothing was happening. I didn’t want to upset Pam and Chad. Am I stupid or what? They saw it happening right in front of their eyes!

Why do I bring this up? I’m not sure. That’s why I have this blog. Just to write down some feelings and events. I’ll just accept what happened yesterday and not worry about it.

I still remain hopeful. This disease is no different than another long-term chronic disease. What about those who are in wheelchairs? Those who have rapid declines from terminal cancer? On and on and on. If I think about it, I could get hit by a truck tomorrow. So, I guess what I’ve learned as I’m typing is just to live the rest of today. We can’t worry about what’s going to happen in the future. It never works out the way we thought it would. Just think about vacations. The best part of the vacation is the fantasy of what it will be like. Does it ever turn out like we thought it would? No.

 

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Warmly………..David