I had some fear yesterday

Yesterday afternoon was a different type of day for me.

I had a few tremors in my hands. But then my neck began to tremble to the point if felt like it as moving back and forth. I’ve experienced this before when under great stress, but yesterday it was different. I didn’t feel unusually stressed.

Actually I was looking forward to going outside to shovel snow in the front and back of the house. As I was walking out the door, my legs began to tremble. I had some difficulty turning around. It seems as though my body wouldn’t move. The spirit was willing but the flesh was weak. Then my legs began to tremble so severely that I began to bounce up and down while walking out the door.

Chad offered to shovel for me but he had a cold and a sore shoulder. I told him to stay in the house. I thought maybe the shoveling would help to reduce the ‘nervous’ tremulousness I felt both inside and outside. I was shoveling and actually I began to tear up.

A sense of reality hit me that perhaps I was getting worse. “Maybe the books are right. Maybe I do only have 3-7 years before this disease takes me over completely.”

But I remained optimistic by telling myself that it was a temporary Jeckyll and Hyde phenomena of Lewy Body Dementia.

Of course, I had to pretend that nothing was happening. I didn’t want to upset Pam and Chad. Am I stupid or what? They saw it happening right in front of their eyes!

Why do I bring this up? I’m not sure. That’s why I have this blog. Just to write down some feelings and events. I’ll just accept what happened yesterday and not worry about it.

I still remain hopeful. This disease is no different than another long-term chronic disease. What about those who are in wheelchairs? Those who have rapid declines from terminal cancer? On and on and on. If I think about it, I could get hit by a truck tomorrow. So, I guess what I’ve learned as I’m typing is just to live the rest of today. We can’t worry about what’s going to happen in the future. It never works out the way we thought it would. Just think about vacations. The best part of the vacation is the fantasy of what it will be like. Does it ever turn out like we thought it would? No.


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6 Responses

  1. Dear David,
    You are so wise. But living it is different. Most people don’t understand that. as always, I wish things were different.
    I hope that tomorrow is a better day.
    You have to hang in there. Give Pam a hug.
    I’m giving you a hug.
    Stay warm, let someone else shovel the snow.
    Love and kisses Helene

  2. Hi David & Pam, Sure wish we had 9″ of snow :)…Thank you for the beautiful Christmas card and letter. David, I’m so proud of you for keep on keeping on. I’m sure God has used your blog to help many caregivers and folks with these diseases. Keep up the good work. There is a crown laid up for you.


  3. David, this is what your blog is all about. Talking about your illness in order to help others understand a little more about LBD in progress. And, to keep a written log for your own references.

    You are a great man in a very humble and lovable way. (I can say that as I am 76. (smile)) You may be helping more people through this blog, than you would if you were in actual practice, because of the vast numbers you are reaching. But, then you know that.

    Keep the faith, and fine attitude, I know Pam appreciates it.

    Thumbs up to you David.

  4. So this is what my Dear One might be feeling if he could still articulate what he was experiencing?
    You must know how precious your emails are to one who is a Care Partner..a new word given to me by Kim Mitchell of the LBDA.

    Living in Lewyland is no picnic, but my Grandma Julia used to say “if you hang long enough you get used to it.

    and I guess I am “used to it” now after almost 6 years and several diagnoses..and still there is no real consensus as to what gremlins are invading my Dear One’s gray matter.

    blessings to you, Marjorie

  5. David, i just wanted to drop a note and tell you this has become one of my most read blogs. I went to try and vote on what I’d like to see on it and All i could think is: “I just want to see whatever David wants to write about. I hope you guys are loving the snow and eachother.
    Becca Detrick

  6. David, you have written about many things I wonder about my Dad. I feel like you have provided helpful insight for me to understand him more. Onward we go, one day/minute at a time.

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