Something isn’t right and i can’t figure it out. I need to write this down. Haven’t blogged for awhile so maybe this will help. Haven’t been able to blog. I don’t know why. I don’t know why on many things these days. Even typing is off. I need to start using spell checker on everything now. I should even use it for email.
I was doing A-OK all summer long until sometime in August. I began having episodes of high blood pressure. It kept rising until I felt sickish. Fortunately I get an unusual type of headache only when the pressure goes up. That headache started and kept getting worse. I took my BP and it was high. It kept going up until it was almost 200 over 101. Couldn’t reach family Dr or cardiologist. Ended up in ER for Rx and now am on a different pill with good results.
But things are different now. Am having a hard time trying to explain it to myself. Can’t seem to describe it. If I can put it into words maybe it’ll help me. I will try.
It’s like looking out a glass window. Looks smeared. Never clear. Other times vaseline ‘like’ marks are there. Can’t seem to get a good look through it. Feeling trapped in my body or mind. Can’t get it going. I think of things I should do but can’t get up to do them. Immediately forget about them and then think about it the next day. What happened yesterday? I think about the past alot. Floods of memories. The present comes and goes. If I hear Pam and Chad talking then I don’t hear the TV and vice versa. I look out at the trees and it seems like I’m looking through them with a blank stare. Feeling like I’m stuck in bubble gum when I try to move. Fighting the shakes and tremors which come and go. They’ve been worse over the last couple of months. Especially the movements in my face. Muscles don’t want to move right. It’s just now. In the moment. I see no future. I remember well how to do my crafts and how to use the computer. Guess they are well ingrained. Feeling some kind of apathy but don’t think I’m depressed. Time perception gets altered. Confusion comes and goes erratically. Almost like I’m in a dream like state. Like getting dreams mixed up with reality. Sometimes get sleep for no reason. Occasional feelings of feeling like I’m out of my body and feeling that things aren’t real but I know they are. Can’t seem to get motivated. I want to go out and trim off the dying flowers from summer, trim the shrubs, clean up outside…..but it feels far away….way out there somewhere. So close in my mind but yet far away. I look out the window to all those flowers, veggies which I worked so hard on and now I see nothing. They are there but they are like faded memories. Seems like years ago when I worked with them.’
I look at this and realize I’m babbling. Maybe hoping something will magically happen. Hoping to “snap out” of this fog or haze or…….oh I don’t know what to call it. Just that I know something is wrong. Am forgetting to eat. Chad made me a plate of food a little bit ago. I ate it little I guess. Pam asked me why I didn’t eat much of it. I just now told her that it took me almost 1/2 hour to eat it. She told me I only took a bite. Oh, ok. She said it from a distance. Way over there somewhere. Guess I’ll eat some more later. It doesn’t feel important right now. I need help but yet I can’t explain how to ask for it. I keep thinking when I go to bed that I’ll awaken feeling bright eyed and bushy tailed. I don’t. I do remember to take my pills with coffee in the morning. I remember to check my email and browse the net. And I do some knitting. Ah, once in awhile, I feel more alert and I’ll occasionally write an email. I just met a guy online who made a comment on the blog. He is also a mental health professional who is just now learning to knit. Actually it’s very cool. I have no idea who he is but it feels like he’s my twin brother from long ago. It makes me feel good to know that I can help to answer his knitting questions.
I have to go now. Am not finding much peace from writing this today. I’ll read it tomorrow and it may help me more.
Filed under: Lewy Body Dementia |