Senior Texting Abbreviations

ATD: At The Doctor’s

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFL…CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing…And Can’t Get Up

SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where are The prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

The Senility Prayer

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Never too old to swing your butts!

I received this in an email today. It certainly made me do a little jiggle too. Click and enjoy!

Impromptu Piano Duet

Dementia – short and sweet …

 

Sexual relations

MY FORGETTER

What a way to use humor in dementia. Thanks to Kat.

 

Hello Dave

Knew you’d love this, could relate; perhaps poem for your blog someday?  Hope you’re doing well, hugs, kat

   Sent: Wednesday, October 14, 2009 12:07 AM

Subject: Fw: MY FORGETTER

 

Forgetter Be Forgotten

My forgetter’s getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I’m ‘here’ I’m wondering
If I really should be ‘there’
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven’t got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say ‘what am I here for?’
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say ‘Hi’ and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, ‘who the hell was that?’

Yes, my forgetter’s getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it’s driving me plumb crazy
And that isn’t any joke.

 

LIVE, LOVE & LAUGH A LOT

Here’s What A Man Really Thinks

I don’t usually read forwarded emails (Please pay attention to that comment), but I received this about four times in one day and one was from my wife, so, sensing she may ask me about it later, I read it. Glad I did. Here are some things most men want you to know ladies, but for whatever reason they were afraid to say them. I’m not!  Some things need to be said.

The Man Rules — Finally , the guys’ side of the story. We always hear ” the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

Please note.. these are all numbered “1 ” ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1.. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days..

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself..

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… ! ! Really .

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes..

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

I don’t know where this originated, but it’s good.

(PS.  Sweetheart, these are really for every other man. I’m good.)

A TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog. While in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?  So since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.  I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won’t let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

 
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